Beast and the Beauties

It was a very sad Sunday.

The girl next door was leaving.

Heartbreak!

What would I do now? Who would I slyly look at now, thru the half-opened front door, when my wife was busy? On whom would I throw my stolen glances during the neighbourhood parties? How would I get my cheap thrills and jollies?

As the old band ‘Smokie’s song goes –

I don’t know why she’s leavin’ or where she’s gonna go,
I guess she’s got her reasons but I just don’t wanna know,
Cause for 24 years I’ve been livin’ next door to ………(Er… in my case, it’s more like 24 weeks)

Life had just reached a dull spot, an impasse, a gloomy existence filled with mundane and trivia.

And while I was wallowing in despair, my wife was quietly smirking. I guess she was waiting for this day. She has tried her best during all our married years to get rid of my ‘glad-eye’. Usually what she couldn’t do herself, circumstances would force it. She calls it natural justice.

Don’t get me wrong here. I am neither a womanizer nor a flirt, neither a ladies’ man nor a pervert. I consider myself a connoisseur. As the saying goes ‘A thing of beauty, a Joy forever’ – I appreciate beauty when I see it – a concept which I’m still trying to convince my wife, especially since it is someone else’s beauty and not hers.

One comedian put it rather aptly – the wife asks “why do you look at other women when you are already married”, to which the husband replies “just because I have ordered a meal at the restaurant, it does not mean I shouldn’t look at the menu”.

Women are by default beautiful creatures. One has to only look at the feminine form to understand the glory of nature and to know the true meaning of words such as ‘grace’, ‘lithe’, ‘lovely’, ‘supple’, ‘lissome’, ‘svelte’, ‘sensuous’, etc.

And that’s that. Period!

The moment one crosses the boundaries of appreciation, a Pandora’s Box of Sin opens up, which is very easy to succumb to. As long as one is within the ambit of it, one can experience the romance associated with such beauty.

It is for these beauties that men have penned poetry, sung paeans, written ballads and crooned melodies.

‘Tujhe chaand ke bahane dekhun, tu chat par aaja goriye’………….
…..sang Mohammed Rafi in his mellifluous voice.

(I shall gaze at you instead of the moon, Come up on the terrace baby).

The English translation of the lyrics does not do enough justice to the feelings behind the words.

I am neither Don Juan nor Casanova, but I am Human and a Man. I succumb easily to the charms of a Woman. A girl in blossom has to pass me and my heart threatens to leap out of its mountings. The dry Adrenaline well in my body suddenly fills up. My roving eyes become loose in their sockets. And the deep sub-woofer like sounds that you hear is my heartbeat gone wild.

I call this exhilaration; my wife says I look like I’m having a heart attack.
I call it passion; she thinks I’ve gone silly (happens in the 40’s);
I call it ‘timepass’; she calls it ‘Middle Age Syndrome’.
I think of it as a harmless pre-occupation, my wife considers it reason enough for some woman to slap me.

And she may be right. ‘Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife’ is an age-old commandment. Many a battle has been fought because of it. Many a war has been driven by this basal desire.

The Trojan War was fought over Helen of Troy;
The Roman Empire’s downfall began with Gaius Octavinus’ conquest of Cleopatra;
Even Bheeshma Pitamaha lost his kingdom’s throne because of his father King Shantanu’s amour for Satyavati!

But then, Old habits die hard.

A composition by Musician O.P.Nayyar aptly describes my life.

‘Hum hain raahi pyaar ke, hum se kuch na boliye,
Jo bhi pyaar se mila, hum usi ke ho liye’

(I am a traveller in the lane of love, don’t reprimand me,
Those who meet me with love, I belong to them)

(Oh my God, the translation sucks)

My wife once developed a unique way of reacting to this unsociable behavior of mine (as she puts it). She retaliated by whistling at every passing Stud and Adonis, thinking that this would get my goat and end my flirtatious behavior. Unfortunately for her, things didn’t work out as she thought they would. The men she ogled at took it as an invitation to greater things. After a couple of near misses she became wiser and stopped these antics. And there ended her strategy.

The guiles of the female species have overpowered the gullible male since life began on planet earth. The charms of the fairer sex have attracted and captivated many a man’s heart, mind and soul. A slight raise of an eyebrow, a slant of those eyes, a pout of the lips, a disobedient curl of hair falling over her cheeks, a lilt of the slender neck, a peek-a-boo of the bosom, a wiggle of the hips, a hint of a thigh, a dainty lift of an ankle; any of these could bewitch a man and make him lose his senses. A woman’s presence is enough to disturb the balance of order in a man’s perfect world.

I must admit, though, their presence is what makes life worth living and also the reason d’etre for survival. I have long ago realized the irrefutable power, the uncompromising devotion, the unfathomable compassion and the limitless love that a woman can display.

Women are intrinsic in the scheme of things which God devised. The plethora of Devis in India, Goddesses in Greek and Egyptian mythologies, Queens in lands far and great are ample proof of the exalted position they have occupied in a man’s world.

History is also witness to the fact that matriarchal societies have fared better that patriarchal ones. Walk into any household in which the head of the family is a woman and one can immediately discern the difference in governance.

A little boy called Shivaji was groomed by his mother to be a great Chhattrapati;
A brave girl fighting against oppression went on to become the Rani of Jhansi;
A woman called Priyadarshini took the reins of a nation in hand and became synonymous with it - India is Indira, it was said;
Yet another woman captured the hearts of every citizen in its land and Eva Peron of Argentina remains etched in memories;
A frail woman adopted a foreign land, nursed its sick and oppressed, taught us hope and mercy, and stood on the doors of Saint-hood - Mother Teresa - a mother to all;

The list is too long to be enumerated.

But long before a man learns to respect a woman, he sees her as an anti-parallel to himself and sometimes as an antidote. Before she becomes an adversary, she remains his single biggest adventure. The harder-to-get, the greater his desperation. A man can make a fool of himself in order to gain the attention of a woman. Some even kill and get killed too. The more he tries to tame them, the more he gets tamed.

But they remain, as yet, an enigma!

So I have taken the easier route. I find it far easier to fall prey to bewitching looks, sashaying walks, and sexy bodies.

As for my wife, well, she has now resigned to her fate that I shall be a dirty old man; much like the incorrigible trio of Ashok Kumar, Utpal Dutt and A.K.Hangal in the timeless 1981 classic movie ‘Shaukeen’. I can already imagine myself standing in my balcony, eyeballing every sweet little something passing by, and singing…....

“Jab bhi koi kangana bole,
Payal chanak jaaye,
Karoon jatan lakh magar man,
Machal machal jaaye……”
(translation -
Whenever any bracelet rings, and anklets chime,
No matter how much I control myself, my heart flutters)…. or something to that effect.

Now let me tell you about the silver lining in my otherwise dark clouded life. A new girl has come to live across me. She is a dish, a peach, a real looker. An absolute knockout and a man-trap.





P.S.: If my wife reads this you would think she would get upset. Naaaahh…. She knows a lost cause when she sees one. Even if she does get upset I know what to do. There’s nothing a bit of cajoling, a song, a freshly baked pie, a new dress and an outing at the beach can’t resolve. For everything else, there’s MasterCard.




P.P.S.: Don’t’ believe everything I say. There is something I haven’t told you yet. Like the day my next door girl first spoke to me.

Ah! The moment is etched in my mind. An unforgettable experience!

This is how it went…..

As usual, I was fooling around at home one day when the doorbell rang. I opened the door and there stood the neighbourhood goddess. At once I went into a trance. Visions of paradise floated in my head. Then she spoke. With a lovely cadence I heard her say, “Uncle………..”

I don’t remember what she said next. My libidinous balloon was punctured with her first word. A single carelessly thrown word had taken the wind out of my sails. The cruelty of the moment overpowered my emotions and I slithered back to the depths of my house. Till date I don’t know why she had come over.

And then the other day, I was surfing the channels on TV when I accidentally happened to pause on FTV. The Aphrodites walking the ramps caught my eye. My daughter sitting next to me immediately reprimanded me saying “Don’t even dare look at these women. There are only two beautiful women in the world – one is your daughter, the other is your wife!”

And that folks is Satyam (Truth).

The biggest con – ‘CONTROL’

Singapore, Malaysia, Hongkong, China, Dubai, Paris, etc, even India for that matter - these are shopping havens, where one has to take some basic, gut-level decisions in life. And one of those decisions calls for making a definitive choice between one's Credit Card and one's Wife! 

If one chooses to hold on to the Wife (which is what most of us would do anyway), then one loses custody of the Credit Card (which then goes to the Wife - mayhem); If one chooses to hold on to the Credit Card (which is what one would want to do - freedom) then, one loses the Wife to another (who has a give-away Credit Card – freedom of another kind). 

These shopping destinations not only are among the chief wreckers of home, family and peace but also they bring in an absolute awareness for man. Which is – that he is not in control of the situation. An awareness that any man hates to be acquainted with. 

Why can't a man have the Wife and the Credit Card? Not in that order anyway. He isn't asking for much, is he now? 

Well actually, he is! 

The days of having a say in any and every matter are long gone. Man’s authority and control have slowly been delegated, diminished, dissolved, disintegrated, and has now become defunct. 

Take a classic example. 

The TV remote. 

Remember the days when the man in the family decided which TV channels the other members of his household got to watch. He would dictate which program got the maximum TRP’s in his house and which films were suitable for family viewing with total disregard to the censor board ratings. 

With the remote, man could put the Wife in ‘mute’ mode, stall the Kids on ‘pause’ and disregard anyone else by pressing the ‘Off’ buttons. 

Now, he is lucky if the remote ends up in his hands. Lucky too if the Kids let him watch any program other than cartoons, lucky if the Wife decides not to pursue her favourite soaps, of which there are plenty – by the numbers and never-ending. 

It is usually a cold day in hell when he gets to watch the FIFA world cup telecast, the Grand Prix, or the boring but ‘oh-so-essential’ daily dose of news. 

With the TV remote gone, his control has been taken away, his authority seriously undermined, his ego shattered. All this and more, inside his very home! 

His home. His turf. 

The small area on this planet earth which he thought he could rule. The king of all and sundry, within the walls of his abode, now, a common man with no powers. 

Well how about outside the home, then?

Take the Car for instance. 

Man’s never ending desire for adventure, travel and conquest led to the invention of the motorcar. 

A Motorcar – a man thing! Made by Men, for Men! 

Powerful, Fast, Noisy, Oily, smoke-belching – masculine images, no doubt. 

And always with one steering wheel – for the man in control! 

With a loud horn to announce his arrival; with great decals to sport his style; with plush interiors to suit his comfort; with thumping pistons and thingamajigs under the hood. 

All nut and bolts, steel and glass, wood and leather, spit and polish. 

All Male. Most definitely – male. 

Suddenly he finds one day that he cannot take his beloved car to his office. How on earth did this happen? 

Oh, the Wife has taken the car to the salon; Oh, the Son has taken the car and his friends for a party; Oh, the daughter’s gone on a date – what? And in my car? 

And you take the bus ride home. 

Car gone, Power gone, Control gone. 

Man realized that he had no more say in the matters involving his possessions. Or that which he used to think of as his possessions. 

He then turned to Society. 

Man tried to impose his will on the general public. He joined forums, organizations, institutes, associations, groups, any gathering which accommodated him, where, he could do as he willed and others would also do, again, as he willed. He set up establishments, rules, policies, governments. He did everything to keep his authority, his control. He used the stick, the carrot, the bullet and the ballot. 

But lost them all to revolutions, coups, wars and Freedom. 

Only puppets dance to the tunes of their masters. People don’t.

‘Cogito ergo sum’ - I think therefore I am, Rene Descartes has said. 

History has proved time and again that monarchies give way to democracies, hegemony steps aside for free will, and monopoly surrenders to choice. 

We played a childhood game, Simon says “Do this”. Well, Simon can keeping saying. Cause nobody’s listening! 

There went his control over society. 

By now Man was desperate but he did not give up. 

He turned to the spiritual. He evoked the fear of the unknown in others. ‘Thou shalt’ and ‘thou shalt not’ became the weapons of his new trade. Every word uttered by him was law; every act committed by him was religion. He assumed de-facto leadership over the masses. He was the soothsayer, the faith healer, the heretic, the seer, the prophet, the God. 

Man’s authority was unquestioned and his commands were obeyed. His control was far greater than ever before. 

People worshiped him, fell at his feet, idolized him, cannonised him, deitized him. 

‘So shall it be written, so shall it be done’, Rameses had spoken. 

But it was Moses who eventually conquered and whose will was done. 

Awakening, Education and Life pulled the masses out of Man’s trance. They started questioning his ideals, his beliefs, his deeds and his words. Till now he did the thinking for all, but now they themselves practiced thought. It was okay now to be an infidel. To be a contrarian was normal. His followers left him for another and another. 

He was now alone. 

His power had eroded. His control was lost. 

Dejection and dismissal plagued him. Despair controlled him. 

Or so he thought. 

There was no way Man could hold onto to control. He had strived and schemed for it, but it had always slipped through his fingers. Would he never master Control? Would it always evade him? 

On the contrary he would find it. 

He had had it all along, but never realized that he had it. 

He had never understood it and would never understand it. 

He had not known how to use it and still had used it unknowingly. The more he used it, the greater the control he had. 

He would never lose it, and didn’t mind losing this Control. 

What was this Control? 

LOVE, my fellow men, LOVE. 

It was Love when his six-month old baby peed all over his important office papers and then gave him the most beautiful smile any man could ask for. 

It was Love when his wife offered him his most hated vegetable as dinner which he had sworn not to eat, but she had cooked - just for him. 

It was Love when his Son paid the bill at the restaurant because he was now earning more than his father. 

It was Love when his daughter wore his favourite shirt and stained it with sauce at the party, came back, hugged him and told him how everyone loved her in that shirt. 

It was Love, finally which made him part with his Credit Card, the TV remote, his Car, his free will and his faith. 

It was Love which gave him ultimate Control over everything. 

And then he suddenly realized – he never really had control over Love. 

It was Love that controlled him.