Beast and the Beauties

It was a very sad Sunday.

The girl next door was leaving.

Heartbreak!

What would I do now? Who would I slyly look at now, thru the half-opened front door, when my wife was busy? On whom would I throw my stolen glances during the neighbourhood parties? How would I get my cheap thrills and jollies?

As the old band ‘Smokie’s song goes –

I don’t know why she’s leavin’ or where she’s gonna go,
I guess she’s got her reasons but I just don’t wanna know,
Cause for 24 years I’ve been livin’ next door to ………(Er… in my case, it’s more like 24 weeks)

Life had just reached a dull spot, an impasse, a gloomy existence filled with mundane and trivia.

And while I was wallowing in despair, my wife was quietly smirking. I guess she was waiting for this day. She has tried her best during all our married years to get rid of my ‘glad-eye’. Usually what she couldn’t do herself, circumstances would force it. She calls it natural justice.

Don’t get me wrong here. I am neither a womanizer nor a flirt, neither a ladies’ man nor a pervert. I consider myself a connoisseur. As the saying goes ‘A thing of beauty, a Joy forever’ – I appreciate beauty when I see it – a concept which I’m still trying to convince my wife, especially since it is someone else’s beauty and not hers.

One comedian put it rather aptly – the wife asks “why do you look at other women when you are already married”, to which the husband replies “just because I have ordered a meal at the restaurant, it does not mean I shouldn’t look at the menu”.

Women are by default beautiful creatures. One has to only look at the feminine form to understand the glory of nature and to know the true meaning of words such as ‘grace’, ‘lithe’, ‘lovely’, ‘supple’, ‘lissome’, ‘svelte’, ‘sensuous’, etc.

And that’s that. Period!

The moment one crosses the boundaries of appreciation, a Pandora’s Box of Sin opens up, which is very easy to succumb to. As long as one is within the ambit of it, one can experience the romance associated with such beauty.

It is for these beauties that men have penned poetry, sung paeans, written ballads and crooned melodies.

‘Tujhe chaand ke bahane dekhun, tu chat par aaja goriye’………….
…..sang Mohammed Rafi in his mellifluous voice.

(I shall gaze at you instead of the moon, Come up on the terrace baby).

The English translation of the lyrics does not do enough justice to the feelings behind the words.

I am neither Don Juan nor Casanova, but I am Human and a Man. I succumb easily to the charms of a Woman. A girl in blossom has to pass me and my heart threatens to leap out of its mountings. The dry Adrenaline well in my body suddenly fills up. My roving eyes become loose in their sockets. And the deep sub-woofer like sounds that you hear is my heartbeat gone wild.

I call this exhilaration; my wife says I look like I’m having a heart attack.
I call it passion; she thinks I’ve gone silly (happens in the 40’s);
I call it ‘timepass’; she calls it ‘Middle Age Syndrome’.
I think of it as a harmless pre-occupation, my wife considers it reason enough for some woman to slap me.

And she may be right. ‘Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife’ is an age-old commandment. Many a battle has been fought because of it. Many a war has been driven by this basal desire.

The Trojan War was fought over Helen of Troy;
The Roman Empire’s downfall began with Gaius Octavinus’ conquest of Cleopatra;
Even Bheeshma Pitamaha lost his kingdom’s throne because of his father King Shantanu’s amour for Satyavati!

But then, Old habits die hard.

A composition by Musician O.P.Nayyar aptly describes my life.

‘Hum hain raahi pyaar ke, hum se kuch na boliye,
Jo bhi pyaar se mila, hum usi ke ho liye’

(I am a traveller in the lane of love, don’t reprimand me,
Those who meet me with love, I belong to them)

(Oh my God, the translation sucks)

My wife once developed a unique way of reacting to this unsociable behavior of mine (as she puts it). She retaliated by whistling at every passing Stud and Adonis, thinking that this would get my goat and end my flirtatious behavior. Unfortunately for her, things didn’t work out as she thought they would. The men she ogled at took it as an invitation to greater things. After a couple of near misses she became wiser and stopped these antics. And there ended her strategy.

The guiles of the female species have overpowered the gullible male since life began on planet earth. The charms of the fairer sex have attracted and captivated many a man’s heart, mind and soul. A slight raise of an eyebrow, a slant of those eyes, a pout of the lips, a disobedient curl of hair falling over her cheeks, a lilt of the slender neck, a peek-a-boo of the bosom, a wiggle of the hips, a hint of a thigh, a dainty lift of an ankle; any of these could bewitch a man and make him lose his senses. A woman’s presence is enough to disturb the balance of order in a man’s perfect world.

I must admit, though, their presence is what makes life worth living and also the reason d’etre for survival. I have long ago realized the irrefutable power, the uncompromising devotion, the unfathomable compassion and the limitless love that a woman can display.

Women are intrinsic in the scheme of things which God devised. The plethora of Devis in India, Goddesses in Greek and Egyptian mythologies, Queens in lands far and great are ample proof of the exalted position they have occupied in a man’s world.

History is also witness to the fact that matriarchal societies have fared better that patriarchal ones. Walk into any household in which the head of the family is a woman and one can immediately discern the difference in governance.

A little boy called Shivaji was groomed by his mother to be a great Chhattrapati;
A brave girl fighting against oppression went on to become the Rani of Jhansi;
A woman called Priyadarshini took the reins of a nation in hand and became synonymous with it - India is Indira, it was said;
Yet another woman captured the hearts of every citizen in its land and Eva Peron of Argentina remains etched in memories;
A frail woman adopted a foreign land, nursed its sick and oppressed, taught us hope and mercy, and stood on the doors of Saint-hood - Mother Teresa - a mother to all;

The list is too long to be enumerated.

But long before a man learns to respect a woman, he sees her as an anti-parallel to himself and sometimes as an antidote. Before she becomes an adversary, she remains his single biggest adventure. The harder-to-get, the greater his desperation. A man can make a fool of himself in order to gain the attention of a woman. Some even kill and get killed too. The more he tries to tame them, the more he gets tamed.

But they remain, as yet, an enigma!

So I have taken the easier route. I find it far easier to fall prey to bewitching looks, sashaying walks, and sexy bodies.

As for my wife, well, she has now resigned to her fate that I shall be a dirty old man; much like the incorrigible trio of Ashok Kumar, Utpal Dutt and A.K.Hangal in the timeless 1981 classic movie ‘Shaukeen’. I can already imagine myself standing in my balcony, eyeballing every sweet little something passing by, and singing…....

“Jab bhi koi kangana bole,
Payal chanak jaaye,
Karoon jatan lakh magar man,
Machal machal jaaye……”
(translation -
Whenever any bracelet rings, and anklets chime,
No matter how much I control myself, my heart flutters)…. or something to that effect.

Now let me tell you about the silver lining in my otherwise dark clouded life. A new girl has come to live across me. She is a dish, a peach, a real looker. An absolute knockout and a man-trap.





P.S.: If my wife reads this you would think she would get upset. Naaaahh…. She knows a lost cause when she sees one. Even if she does get upset I know what to do. There’s nothing a bit of cajoling, a song, a freshly baked pie, a new dress and an outing at the beach can’t resolve. For everything else, there’s MasterCard.




P.P.S.: Don’t’ believe everything I say. There is something I haven’t told you yet. Like the day my next door girl first spoke to me.

Ah! The moment is etched in my mind. An unforgettable experience!

This is how it went…..

As usual, I was fooling around at home one day when the doorbell rang. I opened the door and there stood the neighbourhood goddess. At once I went into a trance. Visions of paradise floated in my head. Then she spoke. With a lovely cadence I heard her say, “Uncle………..”

I don’t remember what she said next. My libidinous balloon was punctured with her first word. A single carelessly thrown word had taken the wind out of my sails. The cruelty of the moment overpowered my emotions and I slithered back to the depths of my house. Till date I don’t know why she had come over.

And then the other day, I was surfing the channels on TV when I accidentally happened to pause on FTV. The Aphrodites walking the ramps caught my eye. My daughter sitting next to me immediately reprimanded me saying “Don’t even dare look at these women. There are only two beautiful women in the world – one is your daughter, the other is your wife!”

And that folks is Satyam (Truth).