The Better Half ...and a Half

My friend texted me a message recently. It went something like this…..

“Sorrow is our constant companion; Happiness comes and goes”. So the wise guy says, “You are right - my wife is constantly with me, but her sister comes and goes”!

This reminded me of a cheeky Hindi saying – ‘Saali aadhi gharwaali hoti hai’ (meaning, the wife’s sister is half a wife, meant with a corny twist, of course!)

Not having being blessed with such marital affiliations, my wife being an only daughter, I have always pondered the extent of truth in these homilies. Is it really half the trouble and double the pleasure? Ek par ek Free, free, free…..

I dunno. Maybe there is as much truth in it as I would like to believe. And then, maybe not. Those having the good fortune (?) to have a ‘saali’ would be better placed to answer this question.

Probably it is just another unrequited fantasy of every male. The unspoken attraction for the younger one, who, will always remain younger than the one whom you married.

There is a Tamil joke on this as well. It goes like this…..

The wife looks rapturously at the TajMahal and lovingly asks her husband,
“Naan chetta piraghu nee yenna ketuve”.

The husband nonchalantly replies,
“Won tangichiye ketuwen”.

(Wife: ‘What will you build after I am dead’; Husband: ‘I shall marry your younger sister’ – the word ‘ketuve/en’ implying both ‘to build’ and ‘to marry’ in the colloquial). Bear with me on this, the translation does not do justice to the humour.

Anyway, the husband’s readiness to accept the sister of his spouse speaks for itself.

Having said this, I pity all those poor husbands who would be at the receiving end of the wife’s wrath after having expressed such a desire. Followed by some of these typical scathing remarks….

“Mujko to sambhaal nahin pa rahe ho, doosri ko kaise sambhaalo ge?” (You aren’t able to put up with me, how the hell will you put up with another?)

“Maine tumse shaadi ki, yahi tumhare liye bahut hai, doosri ki kya baat karte ho” (You are lucky that I married you, don’t even think of another)

Jokes apart, I always wondered how a man could manage two women at the same time and be married to them as well. I have married one, so I can say that I am managing one; which is a rather polite way of saying ‘I am being managed by one’.

As it is, a man has enough difficulty in trying to re-arrange life’s priorities to the whims and fancies of his wife. And it is nigh impossible to outwit, outsmart, out-talk and lately ‘out-live’ them. Those who claim otherwise are outright Liars - I know, I’ve lied too….sometimes. Goes to prove, doesn’t it? – that men are liars.

Just think about it…. One Man + Two wives = double the expenditure + double the regret + double the effort + double the misery.

You praise one’s cooking and you can be sure the other will poison you; you appreciate the beauty of one and the other will scar you for life; you satisfy one tonight and the other will cause you an apoplectic death tomorrow night.

Then there will be the naggings - which would now come from two directions; the orders – which would have a Dolby Stereo effect; the threats – which would be in concerto; and the killing glares – which would be twice as deadly.

Who in his sanest mind would want a Double Whammy Death?

But Men are fools, and have been known to commit the darnedest acts.

Many a man has married more than one woman. And survived! History is replete with such disasters.

Yeah, wonders never cease. Upfront, it would seem like right out of Ripley’s ‘Believe it or not’. But it is not so. Society has evidence aplenty. Even the educated, rich and famous have fallen prey to such an affliction and have paid the price.

Leading the way are the Stars of Tinsel Town.

So many prominent yesteryear and contemporary Film stars have walked this path. Marriage to a second woman when the first is very much alive is probably fashionable for them. Pre-nuptial agreements, Divorce and Alimony are now considered ‘Good Practices’. I guess a film star is not worth his salt if he hasn’t had at least one such arrangement.

And to justify their actions they have made movies on this theme as well which depict polygamy as fun. Scratch the surface a bit and one would find that this thought borders on chauvinism – another way to say that women are just playthings. Sadly, our society lives with this injustice.

Our Politicians are not far behind either.

The ex-Chief Minister of one Indian state has three wives. One President of the US of A had an extra-marital affair which pushed him up the popularity charts. He went on to complete his full term. And who has a count on the number of wives of the sheikhs of the Arabian Gulf.

Are they making a political statement here, showcasing their multi-tasking abilities? Maybe its “Hey, look here, I can manage more than one woman, so managing a nation is just child’s play”. There is a serious flaw in that argument. But who would wanna’ tell them?

How about Sportsmen then? – the epitome of absolute physical skill and talent – adored by millions, loved by their fans, honoured for their accomplishments. From Golfing legends to Cricketing heroes, many have succumbed to this basal desire.

Is it only to be in the limelight or do they consider it a just reward for their superhuman performances?

Believe you, me, this is not a recent phenomenon either. History tells us otherwise.

Haven’t we heard of the Greeks and their decadent orgies? - A conjugal relationship with one woman just wasn’t enough for them. And they didn’t want to tarnish their reputations by getting tagged as philanderers either. So they did something extraordinary, they instituted orgies - a mad medley of celebration and revelry where wine and women are consumed with passion. Once accepted by society, there was no sin in it. Try and beat that!

The Egyptian pharaohs were not far behind either. They had their multitude of queens and concubines, at their beck and call. In the 1988 movie, ‘Coming to America’, Eddie Murphy puts across this thought in a rather indiscreet way when he emerges out of the swimming pool with half a dozen of his female attendants rising with him, leaving the viewer to his own obvious conclusions.

And the Mughals perfected this art of debauchery. The harem occupied a special place in every Mughal empire. An emperor’s greatness could be judged by the occupancy rate in his harem. This inglorious royal custom was eventually said to have been given social recognition and respect by none other than the Azeem-o-shan-Shahenshah, Akbar the Great, who himself was rumoured to have over 33 wives.

On a broader perspective, one could argue that men are mere mortals and cannot be blamed for their deeds, when the gods whom they worship have committed the same sins.

Look at Hindu Mythology for instance. So many Gods are depicted with two consorts. Even the bad guys, the Rakshasas (demons) sport more than one wife. Indeed some of the epics are based solely on this theme. So how can we blame the mortal man for having divine ambitions?

Some would justify this as a mere aberration. Indeed many rationalize these relationships by terming them as ‘Marriages of Convenience’. Are they really now?

Circumstances forced the founders of Islam to proclaim Four wives for the Muslims. But that was some millennia ago. Today that dictum is being blatantly misused by the faithful as well as the kafirs. Isn’t it a rather pathetic way to impose masculine superiority?

In the Biblical era, King David is said to have had six wives. And King Solomon - he had hundreds of them! What was he – the king of good times?

Somewhere down the ages though, the distincition between polygamy and adultery seems to have blurred. And so it was that Judaism and Christianity declared certain commandments which specifically addressed these issues. ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery’ and ‘Thou shalt not covet thy neightbours wife’ – you couldn’t get more direct, could you now?

But those commandments remained in the books. Man found it easier to commit sin and that too a sweet sin such as the neighbour’s wife. Blasphemy!

On the other hand isn’t it strange that these rules do not apply to women. Have you heard of women getting married to more than one man and living with both?

Polyandry!

How many times do you read about it in the newspapers? Once, twice?

But I can be sure of one thing though - the rate at which the male-female population ratio is going downhill, it won’t be surprising if Polyandry becomes a law, say, sometime in the next few hundred years.

The epic ‘Mahabharata’ tells us that Draupadi, the Pandava Queen-apparent, was associated with five husbands. Imagine that, it must have been a nightmare for her, juggling her husbands.

Could we quote Elizabeth Taylor as an example then? But then, she was never married to more than one man at any given time.

So, who else? Maybe Google will have the answers.

The Tibetans have a tradition of fraternal polyandry where a woman would marry a man and all his brothers. This was done more out of social and financial compulsions rather than mere physical attraction.

One could also find polyandry being practiced among the pastoral tribe of Todas in South India; again, this is done solely because of social restrictions only, though a little bit of amour is involved.

By and large, polyandry is not an accepted custom.

It takes more than a lifetime to understand a woman. I dare say that it is easier to misunderstand them or not understand them at all. Sharing a life with her, satisfying her needs and giving up all that he owns, all for her - is probably man’s biggest challenge.

A Man may conquer great lands, he may control the mind of the populace, he may discover and invent wonders, but if he hasn’t accepted women as equals then he would never ever be the real ‘Maryada Purushottam’ – the paradigm of manhood.

Yeah, all nicely said and written. But how does Adam brush away the itsy-bitsy itch that he has for Eve’s sister. She is young, she is smart, she is beautiful and she is single - all the qualities which Eve had before she married Adam.

Can someone please tell him how in the hell does anybody get away with two women?

Even in the Stone age, Fred Flintstone had only Wilma as his wife, and his friend Barney likewise.

Call it foolhardiness, if you like. But Adam wants more.

Richard Gere tells Julia Roberts in the movie ‘Pretty Woman’, that he wants her at his ‘beck and call’, to which, she replies, that she would be his ‘beck-and-call girl’. If Julia Roberts is going to be a ‘beck-and-call’ girl, show me a man who doesn’t want to be in Richard Gere’s shoes.

Dining out with Eve, Adam keeps looking at the other women in the Garden of Paradise. Eve is not amused. ‘Hey’, she says, ‘what’s going on’? ‘What’, retorts Adam, Just because I have ordered my food doesn’t mean that I cannot look at the menu! Beat that logic, you!

Then of course, there was this joke which goes like this…….. Eve suspected Adam of having an extra-marital affair. To which Adam remarked “Are you Crazy? Just look around, who else is there? But that never stopped Eve. Even today, when Adam is sound asleep, she surreptitiously lifts up his T-shirt and counts his ribs!

Maybe King Khan has a solution for this. The undisputed superstar of romance in Bollywood, Shah Rukh Khan, wears the garb of two different personalities in order to woo one woman in the movie ‘Rab ne bana di Jodi’. One is the husband who wants to be her lover; the other is the lover boy who wants to be her husband. Remember, Men are Liars.

Just think about it – One Man, Two identities, One Wife, meaning twice the love, double the pleasure, half the expenditure, no regrets!

Would you then have the better half and a half?